Fear

As a child, I was afraid of dogs.  Actually 'afraid' doesn't accurately describe my feelings - I was terrified of them - and I have no idea why.  Our dog growing up was not only good with kids and mellow as a breed of dog, she was really calm and so I'm sure that it wasn't a specific experience I had with her.  Perhaps it was something that happened with another dog - I just don't know.  All I know is that I missed out on a lot of things because of my fear.  I became an 'indoor person' by choice rather than a natural way of being.

I have wanted to blog on a more personal level lately, but it's been fear that has held me back.  It's much easier to post about injustice on the outside versus injustice on the inside.  Some of you may or may not know that I've been seeing a counselor since November.  It's been an amazing journey and I've been learning so much about myself.  I'm proud of myself for overcoming fear and making the decision on my own to start going.  My counselor said that the hardest thing is to know yourself and it's so true.

Beyond knowing yourself, it's hard to change bad 'habits' (for lack of a better term) that are so ingrained in your being.  And it's fear that stands in the way.  I've made a lot of progress over the last few months and I don't want to regress back, because that would be the easiest thing to do.  At the very same time, the next step is uncertain and I can become paralyzed trying to figure out what to do, worried about messing things up and disappointing people (the first person, being myself).

Fear puts a wall around your heart.  It says that it's easier not to feel and block others out - that it's 'safe'.  If you tear the wall down, pain and suffering are inevitable, as are joy and laughter - we don't get one without the other.  There have been many moments since November when I've looked in the mirror and I see the mess of my life and I feel like I just can't keep going.  I can't go back because I don't want to, and I don't think I'm strong enough to make the next step because there's too much to do.  It's a matter of embracing the pain and suffering, knowing that it does build character.  That it's better to really feel than to live safely (which really isn't living at all).